I Wonder
by DarkSpring
Summary: After a certain event if his 5th year Harry has a few problems, but won't go 2 ne 1 for help R?R
1. Do I deserve this?

BAN: Hey people I hope you like this fic I've been working on it for a while! O and the name won't mean anything till he gets back to Hogwarts... I best leave before I tell you every thing I have planned! And if you would please tell me what you want to happen later I do take requests! READ AND REVIEW PLEASE!!!! O and a special thanx to Cho for pushing me to post! And I need a betta if any one is intrested... cho that doesn't mean you!  
  
I wonder Chapter 1 Do I deserve this?  
  
The summer was going... well if you called it a summer, then it wasn't the best for the teenage wizard, Harry Potter, who was still lost in pain from loosing his godfather. That damn mutt he loved so much, Sirius... he didn't even know his middle name. He only knew him as Sirius Black the escapee from Azkaban wizard prison, Sirius Black his godfather and Padfoot... his friend.  
  
"Harry take the prophecy, grab Neville and run!" Sirius yelled, dashing to meet Bellatrix, his god-awful cousin.  
  
Harry watched as the only two were still battling out, Sirius and Bellatrix. Sirius ducked as Bellatrix's jet of red light whooshed over his head. He was laughing at her. "Come on you can do better than that!" he yelled, his voice echoing around the room.  
  
A second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest.  
  
The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock  
  
Harry released Neville, though he wasn't aware that he had done so. He was jumping down the steps again, pulling out his wand as Dumbledore turned to the dais too.  
  
It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc...  
  
There was the look of mingled fear and surprise on his godfather's wasted, once handsome face as he fell through the ancient doorway and disappeared behind the veil, which fluttered for a moment as though a teased by a gust of wind and then fell back into place.  
  
Harry heard Bellatrix Lestrange's triumphant scream, but knew it meant nothing- Sirius had only just fallen through the archway, he would reappear from the other side any second...  
  
But he did not reappear.  
  
"Sirius!" Harry yelled, "Sirius!"  
  
He had reached the floor, his breath coming in searing gasps. Sirius must be just behind the curtain, he, Harry, would pull him back out again...  
  
But as he reached the ground and sprinted toward the dais, Lupin grabbed Harry around the chest, holding him back.  
  
"There's nothing you can do Harry-"  
  
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"  
  
"It's too late, Harry-"  
  
"We can still reach him-"  
  
He struggled hard and viciously, but Lupin would not let go... "There's nothing you can do Harry... nothing.... He's gone."  
  
"He hasn't gone!" Harry yelled  
  
He did not believe it, he would not believe it. Still. He fought Lupin with every bit of strength he had: Lupin did not understand, people hid behind that curtain, he had heard them whispering the first time he had entered the room- Sirius was hiding, simply lurking out of sight- "Sirius!" He bellowed,  
  
"SIRIUS!"  
  
Harry sat up. A cold sweat soaked his pajamas, like almost every other night since he had returned to Number Four Privet Drive.  
  
Taking deep breaths to calm his nerves, the black haired boy got up to go take a cold shower. He glanced at his alarm clock it was only four thirty. And he didn't really care if he woke the other occupants of the household up. As Harry grabbed for the doorknob to his room Hedwig hooted for his attention and looked towards the window.  
  
"What is it Hedwig?" Harry asked following her gaze. On the foot of his bed, there sat a gray owl with a letter attached to its leg, which he had apparently not noticed moments before.  
  
"How long has he been here?" He murmured as he walked over to the owl and sat down "How do I wake the owl with our scaring it?" Harry asked himself.  
  
He gave the owl's head a gentle pat and, in doing so, woke her up.  
  
"Hello there," He said softly to the owl. "Hope I didn't scare you too much."  
  
The owl gave a quiet hoot of approval and stuck out its leg.  
  
Harry carefully pulled the parchment off the animal's leg and gave a snort of amusement as the bird promptly went back to sleep. Harry shrugged and read the letter.  
  
Dear Harry, The muggles had better not be giving you any trouble. We are coming to get you on July the First at nine pm. Be ready  
-Moody  
  
Harry just nodded his head. It didn't really mean anything to him. All feeling was stuck with in him. He could not feel any thing but the grief he was suffering from. He had not eaten since he came back to Number Four Privet Drive. He couldn't force himself to; it was just too hard to feel anything but pain. He knew he was being stupid not eating but he couldn't help it, it wasn't as if any of the Dursley's cared if he ate anything, maybe he'd die. Then their lives could go on perfect with out him. That though had crossed his mind many times. He could just kill himself. He couldn't love any one, scarred they would be taken away from him... like Sirius was, taken away.  
  
"Is that all?" Harry asked his owl she didn't reply. He left his room to take a shower.  
  
Harry walked into the kitchen after his rather cold shower and made breakfast. He ignored the pain in his stomach from the smell of the food he was making. He was hungry... he just wouldn't eat. He was as skinny as a rail. You could see his rib cage distinctly against his pale skin, and a bruises here and there from Dudley's gang and Uncle Vernon's wild strikes when he did something wrong.  
  
His beefy Uncle walked into the kitchen straightening his ugly green and red-stripped tie. "You best not burn anything boy!" He puffed. Harry only nodded. He put the toast, eggs, bacon, sausage, rice, grapefruit, cereal, Orange Juice, milk, water, Coke, sprite, fresh coffee, and the salt and pepper shakers on to the kitchen table. Nothing was burnt the plates were shinning as well as the silverware and glasses. The napkins were perfectly made into triangles and were sitting precisely on the center of each of the three huge gleaming plates.  
  
"Uncle Vernon..." Harry began his Uncle interrupted him.  
  
"You did acceptable work. I would expect no better of you." His uncle grunted. "We are going to a banquette tonight. You will be here alone. You will be locked in your room. Understand?" He looked up at his nephew who nodded. "Get out. Go to your room!" he yelled as his son, Dudley waddled in and sat his fat bottom on two chairs and started to stuff his face.  
Harry didn't need telling twice he walked up to his room to find a different owl sitting on his bed. He took the letter and read it.  
  
Harry,  
I hope your well. Remember nine pm sharp! Just a little note. I am here to talk to you when you want to or need to and if you will please bring the Mirror Padfoot gave you.  
-Moony  
  
"Well than," Harry's Aunt Petunia came bursting through his room with his usual list of chores. "I want these done by noon!" she snapped, gave the list to Harry and left the room closing the door. Harry picked up the list. 'Do the: dishes (all), weed the garden, paint the bench, wash the cars, and clean the bathrooms.' Harry smirked, 'This will be easy' he thought to himself. He put the list in his pocket and went out the back door to weed the garden first.  
  
Hours later at five till twelve Harry put away the last glass as his As Aunt Petunia walked into the kitchen. "Good you're done." His Aunt growled at him walking to the table and sat down. He leaned against the counter. He was exhausted. He was surprised he had gotten through all those things because Dudley and his gang interfered. They threw mud over both the cars after he had finished. He had to re-do them and then bathroom where they shredded toilet paper everywhere, shoved his head in the water while he was doing the dishes, and gave Harry a few more bruises just for their personal fun. "Don't just stand there! Dudders is having his friends over start cooking!" Aunt Petunia snapped.  
  
Harry did as he was told. He fished lunch an hour later. Luckily Dudley and his gang were late so they came in at just the right moment when Harry was putting the last dish of mashed potatoes on the extra table he had to set up for Dudley's gang. He washed the things he cooked with and left the kitchen and went up to his room hurriedly. He felt nauseous. He must have swallowed some of the soap when Dudley shoved his head in the soapy water in the sink.  
  
He took off his shirt and laid down on his bed. He felt like he was going to be sick. He fell into a restless sleep.  
  
'No Sirius! Please I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry. I thought it was true. Kreacher he... he... he told me you were there. I had to go. Please don't be mad at me I'm so sorry. Please you have to believe me!' Harry pleaded to Sirius who was mad at him for causing his death.  
  
'I was just behind the veil! You didn't come. You should have come you could have reached me I was just there, if you really cared you could have.' Sirius ranted. He scowled at the boy standing in front of him. Tears coming down his face at every blow Sirius gave him. He was shaking. There were bruises over his body where he had struck him. Harry would not defend himself from Sirius, his godfather.  
  
'I..I...' He swallowed blood that was in his mouth from his bit his tong. 'I tried. Remus,' at the name he was hit again upside his head making everything tilt at an odd angle. 'He held me back I tried. You have to believe me, I tried.' He fell to his knees.  
  
Harry opened his eyes; he wasn't in his room on his bed. He was in his cupboard. He hurt all over and he had blood in his mouth. He reached for his glasses. They were next to him. He placed them on his face, and blinked. He sat up slowly. He opened the door and looked out. It was dark. What time is it I have to be packed! Harry thought. Moody would be mad if Harry wasn't packed by nine.  
  
Harry stumbled to his feet and limped up to his room. The clock read eight fifty. He packed his trunk as fast as he could ignoring the pain he was feeling. He let Hedwig out of her cage and told her to find him later. She hooted pecked his ear affectionately and left. He dragged his trunk to the top of the stairs and pushed it down, went back up wrote a quick note saying that he left to go to Hogwarts early and to see them next year. He closed the door picked up Hedwig's cage, walked to the stairs. Everything again went at an alarming angle; he rolled down the stairs landing on his trunk at an odd angle. His last conscious thought was that the blood was rushing to his head.  
  
Minutes later there was a knock on Number Four Privet Drive. No one answered the door. "Just brake in. They're muggles for Christ sake. And both the cars are gone. They aren't home. But Harry is." Moody growled pulling out his wand. "Alohamora." The front door swung open. Remus walked in first. Though he stopped when he spotted Harry laying half on his trunk half off. Tonks was the first to get her bearing.  
  
"Harry!" She whispered and ran over to him pulling him fully off his trunk. "Harry... Come one open your eyes." She called. Harry's nose twitched but that was all. She tapped the side of his face. "Guys get over here check the house see if anyone else is here." She ordered. Remus and the others moved around again. Moody instead walked up stairs and came back, dragging a boy with brown hair. Remus hit the lights on.  
  
Moody had stunned the boy. "Please no Sirius..." Harry murmured. He shifted in Tonks' arms, who looked up at Remus who had heard Sirius' name. "No!" Harry screamed. His eyes flying open. He took gasping breaths, and stared up at Tonks' worried eyes.  
  
Sitting up Harry shifted away from the people who surrounded him. It was the people as last summer. "Sorry to make you wait." Harry murmured, again swallowing the blood in his mouth. Tonks smiled at him.  
  
"These old bags could have waited anyway. Besides we have to wait a half an hour any way." Tonks explained, even though it wasn't true. They really had to go but Harry was in no state to travel by any means.  
  
"Come on Harry. Lets go sit in the living room." Remus suggested Helping Harry to his feet, who walked away from him with a limp. He didn't want his help, Harry was still mad at him for not letting him go after Sirius.  
  
Harry sat down on the couch. The other members sat down around the room. Tonks next to Harry, who noticed that her hair was crew cut and was bright pink and blue, Remus sat across the room, he didn't want to crowd Harry. Harry stood up when he could tell everyone else was comfortable. "Would any of you like to have something to drink?" He asked no one answered; a few people glanced at Moody whose face was still passive as usual.  
  
Harry left the room to the kitchen and poured ten cups for the Order who were in the living room. He put them on a tray and passed them out to each of the members, took his and sat back down next to Tonks. It was only then he noticed Piers was lying on the floor at Moody's feet.  
  
"Professor Moody? Why do you have Piers?" Harry asked staring at his cup of half drunken water. Moody snorted.  
  
"Found him upstairs in one of the rooms. His hands are bloody." Moody said looking at Harry, who shifted under his intense gaze. What is he looking at? Harry looked at the T.V. for his reflection and blinked. His face was spotted with bruises. The dream Harry thought. He looked back at Moody who was still looking at him.  
  
"Oh..." Harry thought quickly. "He must be waiting for Dudley to get back..." He glanced at Lupin who was looking at the floor.  
  
"Well lets ask him why shall we?" He raised his wand and whispered the counter curse and Piers sat up and looked at Harry first and grinned. Then he noticed the other people in the room and got up pulling out a silver knife. "Boy why are your hands bloody?" Moody questioned. Piers looked at Harry again and smiled.  
  
"I just finished up some stuff for Big-D. What is it to you?" Piers snapped and moved toward Harry, who shifted slightly. He felt Tonks taking hold of her wand.  
  
"What kind of finishing stuff for 'Big-D'" Remus asked. His eyes looked like the wolf was coming out in him.  
  
"Look at 'Arry. 'E's the job. I think I did a pretty good job on 'im. I've done better." He moved towards the back door a little more. No one said anything. Taking his chance. He ran for it out the back door. Harry looked at Lupin who was again looking at the floor.  
  
There was silence. Nobody in the room said anything. Lupin broke the silence. "I'll put Harry on my broom..." Remus started but looked at Harry.  
  
"How do you feel Harry?" Tonks questioned cutting Remus off. Harry shrugged.  
  
"I feel grate. I'll go with the rest of you..." Tonks gave him a suspicious glance. "Really I feel fine." He stood up and went down the hall got his cape out pinned it around his shoulders and walked back in. The rest of the order was also getting ready. "So Tonks where are we going?" Harry asked. Tonks smiled.  
  
"Headquarters. Do you have your broom back?" Harry Nodded his head left the room grabbing the side table for balance but returned with his broom. "Okay then Remus I understand what you meant but there's no reason for that. Lets go," She looked at the rest of the Order. "Get his trunk and cage." She steered Harry out of the room to the front door and out onto the porch the rest of the Order followed. They got into formation and were off to Headquarters.  
  
I can't go back there... I'll kill Kreacher. And I'll rip everything off the walls. What if they get mad at me? Will they understand what I'm going threw? Harry wondered as they made their journey to Headquarters. This time Harry knew where he was going. So it didn't seem so long. And he got to look around more. Mostly at Remus though, who was in front of him. Why did he hold me back? He never gave me a reason. I could have saved him! I know I could have. He was right there he was waiting for me. I was so close I just had to reach in and I'd have found him smiling at me, because I found him. We would have been able to get out of there but no! He had to hold me back. He ruined everything. And I won't forgive him this quick! Harry said to himself.  
  
They were half way there when Harry gave a steep dive as everything went blurry. He snapped out of it when he felt some one glide him down to the ground. He shook his head to rid himself of the dizzy feeling.  
  
"Harry... How many fingers am I holding?" Remus asked. Harry tried to focus on the fingers in front of him. There were so many to many to count.  
  
Harry shook his head he didn't want to be by Remus. "Lots... too many?" he questioned himself. His head dropped. He got a glance at Sirius. He was mad.  
  
'Harry!' Sirius yelled. Harry tried to move away from him. But he grabbed him by his wrists, and hit him across the face. 'Why didn't you come? You should have!' He threw Harry to the ground, laughing at him.  
  
'Sirius! Please I'm begging you please, please, I really did try. You have to believe me! I'm so sorry.' Harry looked up at Sirius. His eyes were black.  
  
'I can't believe you! I can't trust you. You... how could I have every cared for you. A worthless baby? Who can't get to his godfather?' Sirius kicked Harry in the stomach, winding the boy on the floor.  
  
'Please... please stop! I tried... I really did. I would have taken your place. I didn't want you to fall. No I do love you please don't." Harry sucked in a gasp of breath. Remus held him close in his arms rocking him back and forth.  
  
"Harry... Harry It's a dream. Come on Harry... Open your eyes." Remus smoothed the boy's hair down affectionately.  
  
"Please... please I'm begging you Padfoot." Harry murmured leaning against Remus.  
  
"Please!" Harry pulled out of Remus' grasp coughing up blood. His body shook uncontrollably, as dry heaves started. Harry fell against the pavement, shaking. Remus supported him so he wouldn't hurt himself.  
  
"It's okay." He soothed rubbing Harry's back. "It's okay." He repeated. Harry shook his head. Tonks waved the seven other people so they wouldn't watch Harry in the state he was in.  
  
The heaves stopped Harry laid still. Remus could still feel him breathing. He started coughing again, unable to stop. "I'm sorry." He gasped in- between coughs.  
  
Remus nodded. "It's all right Harry."  
  
"No..." Harry stopped coughing he looked at his hand. It was shaking on its own accord. "I'm sorry! Please forgive me. I wasn't strong enough. I could have saved you Sirius. I'm sorry..." He stopped talking he hit his head against the pavement. Remus was fast to act. Padded the spot where the head was supposed to hit, it hit his hand instead. Lights flickered on around them. The rest of the order cast charms so they wouldn't see them.  
  
"Harry..." Remus whispered. Harry pulled out of Remus' grasp again. He looked at Remus. There were tears streaming down his face.  
  
"I..." He struggled with the words. "I'm sorry. I know you were just trying to protect me... but he was just standing there... waiting for me. All I had to do was reach threw the veil. I heard them whispering when I came in. They were talking!" Harry cried. "He was just right there why wouldn't you let me get him! He was waiting for me to get him. Now he's mad at me because I couldn't get to him!"  
  
Remus shook his head. His voice was thick. "That veil... It holds sprits. Or at least that's what I've read. It was made to catch those people who did not deserve to die... but to live on there. In the most horrible way of living and death. You are not made a ghost but you are not able to pass over. I had to hold you back, I if I didn't you would have been sucked into it also. You would not have seen Sirius again there. You would have seen horrible things that no man should ever see." Harry shook his head.  
  
"You couldn't let me but you could let Sirius! He didn't deserve it. I do. I killed my parents. I killed Cedric. I almost killed Neville, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, and Luna. I deserved it more than he did!" Harry went on Remus was shocked that he blamed himself for all those deaths.  
  
"No you didn't kill them! If you fell threw that veil how you think that was repaying their deaths. Avenge them don't throw them away. Sirius, if he was here, would have wanted it better this way. He was a grown man. Even if his name was cleared do you really think that he couldn't have been happy? People would still have been scarred of him." Remus shook his head he got up and offered his hand to Harry to get up, who took it and got pulled to his feet. He didn't last long on them but swayed. Remus steadied him.  
  
Harry pulled away from Remus. "I'm fine. Come on. We have to get to headquarters." He got onto his broom and hovered waiting for the rest of the order to get up.  
  
They were off again. This time Harry had some different thoughts about Remus. He knew him longer. I only knew him for a few years? He was like a dad in a way. I could trust him with anything. I loved him. Harry didn't think any more. He knew he'd get sick again if he kept thinking about it.  
  
They were at Headquarters in minutes. They had picked up their pace. They were already late. Every one there would be worried. Moody ushered him in as quickly as he could. He wouldn't have Harry have any second thoughts if he did. As Harry walked in Kreacher greeted him. Who was still alive. No one knew here what he had done. Harry ignored him. He would have his revenge...  
  
"Harry dear!" Harry was engulfed in a hug from Mrs. Weasley. "Oh Harry we've all missed you so much. How are you? You must be starved?" Mrs. Black started screeching from her usual spot. Harry also ignored her. She would have what came to her once he got his bearings straight again. Relentlessly he followed Mrs. Weasley into the kitchen. She sat him down at the table and loaded his plate with food. Harry could only look at it. He didn't want to eat it. He never wanted to eat again. "Aren't you going to eat?" She demanded. Harry feeling daring, shook his head. "Why on earth not. All you are is skin and bones!"  
  
Harry shook his head again. "I... I can't." he looked down at his feet. He could feel Mrs. Weasley's intense gaze on him.  
  
"And why can't you!" She demanded. Not many people said not to her food. Though many people weren't Harry Potter.  
  
"I just can't... I haven't since I got to the Dursley's" He closed his eyes.  
  
"WHAT!" Mrs. Weasley screamed. Rivaling Mrs. Black's. "How could you not have eaten since then? Heavens sake Harry! You're lucky to be alive! You have to eat now. If you don't I'll force feed you!" Lupin, and Tonks warded people out of the kitchens.  
  
"I. Can't." Harry said again slowly making sure he said every word carefully making sure she heard them. He didn't dare glance at Mrs. Weasley. This had to be the stupidest thing he had ever done.  
  
"Why can't you!" Molly screeched.  
  
"Because I blame myself for his death! I can't bare myself living while he's stuck in there. If I'm close enough to death than the veil will take me and I can get him out!" Harry yelled. His voice feeling like it was going to rip. I can't be doing this! Harry thought to himself.  
  
"You have to."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Harry please," Tonks tried.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Eat Harry!" Something inside Harry clicked all his hunger came full force at him. He grabbed the nearest piece of food and ate... and ate... and ate. Mrs. Weasley was pleased. Tonks and Remus were relieved. Something in the way that Remus had ordered Harry to eat sounded like Sirius, that is why he started eating he had thought that he herd his beloved godfather once again. 


	2. Trying to let go

BAN: Don't own don't sue! These aren't betta'd I don't think... still waiting... I'll re-post later though! I tried my best on going over this chapter.... I don't think it did much! Please REVIEW!! Make me happy!  
  
I Wonder Chapter 2 Trying to let go  
  
The next few days went well enough for Harry. Mrs. Weasley forcing him to eat all three meals a day and dessert ever so often when they were alone. Tonks was being as supportive with Harry as much as possible and just helping him with anything. The Weasley's were just being as much as themselves as they could when they were with Harry. Remus occasionally played chess with Harry but that was very rare. Harry didn't talk to anyone unless they talked to him first. He felt as if he had betrayed them in a way.  
  
Harry kept himself locked up in Sirius' old room, and with Buck Beak who was lonely with out Sirius. Harry would sit there and talk to him.  
  
"Yesterday I found this book of Sirius'," Harry began talking to himself more than Buck Beak. Taking a black leather and worn out book from his backpack. He carried it with him up to the room just in case there was an emergency and he had to leave quick. "It's his journal... or diary. It starts at his first Christmas at Hogwarts." Harry paused paging through some of the pages looking for something interesting to read. "So what do you want to hear about?" Harry asked Buck Beak who was at the moment fast asleep and not minding that Harry was talking to him.  
  
Shaking his head Harry looked at the page that he had opened the heading of this entry was; 'The Biggest Mistake I Ever Made.' This catching Harry's interest started reading.  
  
Last night I think I did the worst thing ever. I just wanted it to be a joke a prank. I didn't really think that anything bad might have happened. Here's what I did. I found Snape walking alone and I pretended that I was really mad at Moony. Ha! As if that could happen. It was the full moon last night so I asked him if he wanted to know where Moony went every month. He wanted to know for a long time so I told him how to get past the Whomping Willow. Get a really long stick and touch the not at the trunk and the branches will freeze. So I asked Prongs if I could borrow the cloak a little early. I would stay out late and wait for Snape. I would get him out of there if anything would happen. Nothing was supposed to happen. I'd be back late so James and Peter couldn't come out until I got back. It worked but James over herd Snape through one of the trick mirrors in his room and went to meet him... and me. He was almost to late. I was watching but I didn't think that anything would happen. James got there right when Snape was opening the door. He got a glance at poor old Moony. James was this close to being bitten but slammed the door shut in the nick of time. He got Snape out and checked to make sure he hadn't been bitten and asked him if he was all right. Snape told him everything. James told him to stay there as he took out his wand and pointed it at the tree. He summoned the cloak and I was reveled white face and looking scared. I thought James was going to kill me right then and there. I'd been his best friend forever and never have I seen him look so mad.  
  
He grabbed me and told Snape to follow him up to Dumbledore's office. Lets just say I have never seen Dumbledore look so mad either. I got a whole lecture about how wrong it was and all that. But I don't get it! It was supposed to be funny. Moony wasn't supposed to be downstairs. He never changes down stairs ever! Snape told Dumbledore him that he could still se Moonies face with out all the hair. So that means that Moony now know that Snape was there, and since he's a wolf at the moment the human part that is waiting is wondering if he bit Snape or not. Well any way I got a month worth of detention with Professor Catigal, the D.A.D.A. teacher. Any way. Now today. Remus got out of the hospital wing and he and James took me to the Shrieking Shack. Lets just say I've never cried in front of my friends... until now. It was awful. They wouldn't let me explain it was suppose to be a prank, nothing that bad. Remus oh god Remus. He looked so betrayed! I didn't think I would ever see him look so... so.... So sad. James he was another thing. Damn he punches hard... I don't think he meant to give me a concussion but he did. I guess in there eyes I deserved it. I took all of what they dished out and some more. They left me there. Crying. They wouldn't let me explain I thought it was going to be funny. Get him all scared and tell him to never mess with the Marauders again and that would be the end of it. Well I guess it's to late now. None of the Marauders are talking to me. Madam Pomfrey refuses to give me anything for my concussion. I think James bribed her with something. But yah knows they have to get over this eventually. They can't live with out the marvelous Padfoot for long. - SJB  
  
Harry closed the book. "I guess it would have been funny. It was a good idea..." Harry closed the book and put it down next to him. "All right so it was really stupid but still! Snape must have wet himself. My dad punched him! I thought they were supposed to be inseparable? Well he did disserve it I guess." Harry said to Buck Beak who was still asleep and ignoring Harry.  
  
"Harry!" Mrs. Weasley knocked on the door of Buck Beak's room. Making Harry jump. "Harry unlock this door!" Harry slowly got up and unlocked the door. Mrs. Weasley had a frown on her face.  
  
"Yes?" Harry asked.  
  
"It's lunch." Harry gave her a blank stare. "Well come one." Mrs. Weasley dragged Harry down stairs, and into the kitchen.  
  
"Surprise!" The room yelled Hermione walked over giving Harry a big hug and a kiss on the check. "Harry Birthday Harry." He didn't know how to react. Should he be happy or mad? He hadn't even realized it was his birthday.  
  
"Uh... thanks." Harry said he sat down at the kitchen table. He could feel everyone's stares. He shook his head and sat there.  
  
"Harry... Mate..." Ron began sitting down next to Harry. "Come on open your presents." Harry lifted his head up putting a smile on. It felt odd he hadn't smiled in a while.  
  
"All right alright. I was just letting it sink in." He reached for the first present. It was a picture of him and Sirius. Not the Sirius that he knew the younger one and he was just a babe. "Thanks Moony. I really like it. Is that really me? Wow I was sure a cutie." Harry joked making the people around him laugh. He looked back at the picture. The little Harry giggled as Sirius blew raspberries on his stomach.  
  
The next partial contained a book on flying from Hermione, and extra supplies for his broom servicing kit. So it went on. Finally what seemed like forever, there were only two left. Reaching for the first one he opened the envelope.  
  
'Dear Harry, Hey kido how yah doing? Still got the mirror I gave you?" Harry paused. This was from Sirius... he continued reading, 'Well if you have any questions about it and I'm not around ask Moony. Anyway for your present, my bike it's now yours. While your are reading this it is aperatating outside. Well yah remember that I love you always no matter what...'  
  
The letter ended there. He must have not gotten a chance to finish writing it. He blinked a couple of times and smiled at the letter. He picked up the last package ignoring every one else's questions on what the letter was about. The last gift to him was the now fixed mirror. This time he didn't wait to use it he said thank you to it. It was the best gift. It was once Sirius, and his fathers. It would always be the most treasured possession he would ever have.  
  
"Thank you every one. I really like all of them..." He had gotten a lot of pictures of him and Sirius. Or just of Sirius and the Marauders minus Wormtail. Apperently they had taken him out of most of the pictures. He had gotten a snow globe from Tonks who had previously know they were Animagius. It had a wolf, dog, and a Stag chasing each other around in the snow. Every once in a while they would stop and stare at him. "If you'll excuse me I have to go outside for a little bit... fresh air..." He left the room and out to the front of the house. He looked around but he didn't see the bike. Looking around the corner it was there.  
  
He stared at it not believing that it was his. The license plate read 'Padfoot.' On a closer inspection he found his name on it with a tiny picture of him. It was airbrushed on, next to him was a big black dog accompanied with a Stag and a ware wolf.  
  
Sitting down on it Harry let his tears fall. All his dreams smashing down around him. Up until now he knew Sirius was gone but now it was at an all- new level. He hadn't cried after that night. He wouldn't allow himself to believe that he was really gone. Even though he had stopped eating, all the while he was hopping that if he got sick enough than Sirius would come and rescue him, and they'd be happy.  
  
But now sitting on his bike, it seemed like it was all just a childish dream. Leaving the Dursley's permanently and living with Sirius in some little house where he could practice Quidditch. Closing his eyes he put his head on the handlebars. A memory flashed in front of his closed eyes.  
  
Flying threw the night air, with Sirius. He was in his arms. Sirius looked so alive. So real Harry reached up to touch him And the memory vanished. He didn't know if it were real of not but he wished he could be back then with Sirius, when he had parents and when the world wasn't depending on him. He'd give anything if they were still alive and he was just a regular kid like every one else and some one else had to have, his responsibilities, someone else would have to be the savoir of the Wizarding and the muggle world. He sat there what seemed like hours when a voice from behind him startled him out of his reverie.  
  
"Harry? Are you all right you've been out here for three hours?" It was then that Remus noticed that Harry was crying. Harry turned around and looked at Moony, his face beet red tears streaming down his face. "Harry..." He began. Harry shook his head.  
  
"No..." Remus took a step closer to him. "Stay away from me..." Harry not really knowing what he was doing pushed down on the gas and pulled the handlebars back slightly and shot up into the air.  
  
"Harry! Come back down here!" Remus yelled after him. Harry ignored in he somehow knew how to ride the bike. He remembered how to ride it. He looked down he was soaring over house's. Remus was probably going to organize a search party for him. He didn't care he just wanted to be alone.  
  
It was getting cold fast. He didn't realize until now that he knew everything about this bike. Reaching into the backside pouch he pulled out a leather jacket. Putting it on he took out a pair of sunglass that glowed red in his hand. He sat there for a moment content to be where he was. To be finally alone. He looked ahead of him. He was going to chase the sunset all the way down. Not caring where he ended up. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the mirror. "SIRIUS!" He yelled as loudly as he could at the mirror. He tried again, "SIRIUS JAMERSON BLACK!" Where did that come from? Why had he just called Sirius, Sirius Jamerson Black? He didn't even know he had a middle name... "Sirius!" The mirror still stayed blank and cold. "Padfoot don't leave me..." Harry cried one last time still nothing happened. He slipped it back into his pocket and finally thought of where to go... The Department of Mysteries.  
  
Turning the bike around he shot towards where he thought the Ministry of Magic was. The only question was how was he going to get in? He couldn't risk using Magic that close to Fudge. He'd get expelled right then and there and Dumbledore couldn't do a damn thing about it. He would just have to go in the muggle way. "Department of Mysteries here I come." He said allowed. The bike suddenly took a sharp left turn and shot straight forward as if it knew where it was going... apparently it did because when it finally stopped he was outside The Ministry of magic. He turned off the bike and got off.  
  
Walking over to the telephone booth he dialed 62442 and the voice asked what he was there for and his name, "Harry Potter. 'The Department of Mysteries," and the pin popped out. Walking into the Atrium crowded hallway. No one gave him a second glance, they didn't' recognize him as Harry Potter. Good, they didn't need to know who he was. He put the pin in his pocket and walked past the security desk easily enough.  
  
He went to the nearest lift and punched the number nine and the lift's grills closed and it shot off to the 9th floor. Opening again Harry walked out. Luckily no one had gone in the lift with him so no one had noticed the lone stranger walking into the Department of Mysteries unescorted.  
  
He walked threw the black door with out a second glance. He found his way easily enough all the doors were still marked. Surprisingly he picked the right door and stepped threw it. The veil was still there. He ran down the steps as quickly as he could. He stopped in front of it.  
  
"Sirius... are you in there?" The veil fluttered. The voices started, he couldn't make out what they were saying. "Sirius Jamerson Black!" Harry yelled. The voices were getting louder. "Sirius are you there? Its Harry... Sirius!" Harry sat down in front of the arch and started to rock back and forth, trying to wait as patiently. Finally a voice he recognized broke threw.  
  
"Harry?" It was Sirius. He could hear him.  
  
"Sirius... it's me Harry come out I know you can please you have to..." Harry was cut off.  
  
"Harry you need to get out of here."  
  
Harry smiled, "Come on Sirius... just come out." Tears started splashing down his face.  
  
"I can't Harry." The veil stopped moving. "Even if I could I wouldn't be the Sirius you remembered. I'd be the dark side of Sirius. The side of Sirius who would kill you only because your James' son. The Black side of Sirius. You have to go. You have to go back to Remus he's worried about you." Harry's smiled faltered.  
  
"I don't want to go back. I want you..." Harry shook his head, taking off the sunglasses. "I... I got your birthday present... Your bike I rode it here. I really like it." No reply came. "I miss you Sirius. Why did you have to leave like that? I'm alone now. All my dreams are gone. I can come threw..."  
  
"No! No! You can never come in here. Please just do it for me... Harry please. I know you know that you shouldn't even be here. Please just leave."  
  
"Sir...Sirius.... I can't.... I miss you to much... you didn't deserve this... I should be there not you. You should have been able to have a happy life. I could have saved you. Please just come out!" Nothing came in reply to Harry's please for him to come. The veil had stopped moving all together. "Sirius! Do you still have the mirror?! Sirius please just answer me do you still have the mirror. I have mine. Can't we talk threw it... Are you even dead? Padfoot I need answers!"  
  
"Harry...." There was something different about Sirius' voice. It was getting thicker. "I don't know! I think I'm almost dead... you're the only one that still fells that much about me. Remus does but he lost me once before. He isn't taking it as hard. You Harry. You're the only one who's still holding on to me. Not letting me go. Your mom and dad are waiting for me up there. Just let me go." Harry shook his head more tears falling. "Harry please don't cry... I can figure out a way to talk to you if I'm up there. I can see James and Lily again. I still have the mirror. I don't think it will work I tried calling you through it but nothing happened. Harry please... I can still here you when your yelling threw it but I can't reply. Please just go back to Remus... He can help you get over me, Harry I'm begging you just go back to Remus and let me go." Harry had gotten up and was backing away from the veil. "I love you Harry you have to remember that all right kido?"  
  
"Yah." Harry replied, "I love you to Padfoot. What is it like in there?" Harry asked.  
  
"It's just really black... that's all I can tell you. Please just when you walk out that door just let my memory go. Just remember I'll always be watching over you no matter what. And remember that I love you. Don't worry, Harry. You'll be fine. Remember that I am never very far...and don't worry about dying very much. Always remember that it won't be too bad, because I'll be waiting for you. At least one person who loves you waiting for you. Lily and James are waiting for me now." Harry nodded his head.  
  
"I love you. And I will never forget you." Harry cried. He started walking up the steps. "Bye Sirius..." Harry opened the door and looked back.  
  
He could see Sirius now, standing there with a smile on his face with tears falling down his face. He looked younger, he looked like he did in the picture that Remus gave him for his birthday. It took all Harry's self control not to go running to him.  
  
"Harry go. I love you so much. Forgive Moony for holding you back he didn't want to loose you too. He really does love you as much as I did and still do. Give him a chance." Harry nodded his head letting the door fall slowly closed. He got one last glance of Sirius waving good-bye. And the last couple of words that he would ever hear his godfather speak; "I will always be with you"  
  
The door shut and Sirius was now really gone. Harry stared at the door for a moment before leaving. He slid his sunglasses over his eyes and walked out the door, and into the crowded Ministry of Magic. 


	3. Dealing?

BAN: Don't own don't sue... okay I know for sure this isn't betta'd but I don't know I don't like having fics that just sit there and not get posted so here you are!  
  
I Wonder Chapter 3 Dealing?  
  
Back at the bike Harry rode it like normal. There was a car following him. Just in case they were Death Eaters he didn't want to take that chance that they knew he was, The Harry Potter. He was hoping that if he rode for long enough they would think that he was a normal muggle.  
  
No luck. After an hour of riding on the streets Harry gave up pulling into a deserted alleyway that was littered with trash. He roared into the air, as the black mustang followed him into the alleyway. "12 Grimuald place." Harry yelled, then added. "Hurry." Looking down again he saw the car transform into four brooms. Seconds later he couldn't see them any more. Pushing on the gas a little more the bike went faster than he thought it could. Reading the gage it said, 'fast. But not the fastest.' Smiling at that Harry almost feel out of the seat when he noticed that it wasn't sunny anymore. Taking off the glasses he could now tell that it was oh so very dark.  
  
'Must have been there longer than I thought.' Harry said to himself examining the glasses in his hands. They looked like regular ones. Except when he had them on he didn't need to wear his other glasses they were perfect to his eyesight. He shoved them back on. It was so much easier to see with them on.  
  
Landing in the alleyway next to HQ, he parked the bike. He wouldn't be surprised if Remus hadn't sent out a search party for him. Or he would come bursting out of the house at the noise the bike made while ridding it.  
  
Walking up to the front doors he knocked twice. Waiting a few moments Remus' face popped out as it opened. "Harry!" Grabbing his arm Remus hauled Harry inside. Slamming the door shut, Harry winced inwardly at the look on Remus' face. He couldn't really name it, it was a mix of feelings, hurt, betrayal, anger, worry? He couldn't tell.  
  
"Where the hell were you! Do you have any idea how worried I've been?!" Remus shouted. Trying to turn away Remus grabbed his shoulder hard. "Harry answer me!" Harry adverted his gave away from Remus, noticing that any one in the house was standing at the doorway's watching.  
  
Shrugging out of Remus grip Harry bounded up the stairs, shoving past Ginny sending her to the floor. "Harry!" Remus yelled after him, helping Ginny up he pounded at Harry's door. "Harry... We need to talk. You can't keep avoiding me!" There were sounds of multiple smashing noises inside.  
  
"Relay?" Harry asked. "Watch me!" There was more smashing inside. Wincing slightly, at the noise Remus took out his want and whispered a spell and the door swung open. "Get out." Harry pleaded from the left and farthest side of the now demolished room. The dresser drawers were hanging open their contents thrown about the room, three lamps laying on the floor in pieces, the desk on its side, ink paper, and books thrown about the room, and the bed surprisingly untouched... "Please just leave." Remus walked over to the closet and pulled open the door. Harry was revealed, hugging his knees to his chest and his head resting on them.  
  
"We have to talk." Remus' heart broke to see Harry like this. Shaking his head Harry looked up at his old professor, who hadn't noticed it before that Harry looked worse than he did earlier that day, his eyes were blood shot and puffy and his cheeks were raw.  
  
"Leave please..." Harry tried again.  
  
"No Harry. You need to talk about this Don't shake your head at me young man. We where do you get off just leaving like that. Sirius wasn't the only one who loves you." Remus almost sounded as if he was pleading with Harry to talk to him. "Where did you go today?"  
  
Harry closed his eyes and banged his head against the wall behind him. "I went to the Department of Mysteries." Remus make a gasping noise. "I went to go see Sirius." Pausing Harry took off the sunglasses and fiddled with them. "I went to where you can talk to the people who had gone threw the veil. Sirius was in there. He said that he couldn't' come out because he was now the Black side of Sirius. The side of him that would have killed me. For being James Potter son. Taking a shaky breath he went on. "He... he said that I was the only one that was still holding him back from moving on. He said that my parents were waiting there on the other side for him. He told me to let him go and to move on... he said..."Harry looked up at Remus with pleading eyes. "He said that you'd help me." Remus sat down across from the boy he loved so much.  
  
"So I'm here now. I'm letting him go. I'm not holding back any more. But he's gone! I... I knew he was already gone from that night but I was still hoping, just a little that if I got sick enough than he would have to come back and save me. He never came. You and Tonks and every one came. "A single tear tolled down Harry's cheek  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for the way I've acted. None of you... especially you didn't' deserve this from me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to love anyone anymore. I don't want to care about anyone anymore! I loose every one that I've ever loved. I know how Mrs. Weasley looks at me when I'm talking to Finny or Ron. She doesn't trust me. I don't blame her." Shaking his head he laughed. "I'm amazed that Ron still talks to me. If I were him I'd hates me"  
  
Running his hands threw his hair Remus thought for a moment then answered. "harry...I don't' know what to say. No one holds it against you for the way you've been acting. We all have lost someone close to us. We understand what you're going threw."  
  
Harry shook his head anger flashing threw his eyes. "No you couldn't you all didn't lead that person to their deaths. You all think of course there was some way you could have saved them! But I did. I hade two things that could have saved him, that should have saved him. One: I could have tried harder when I was working with Snape. B: I could have opened that blasted mirror that he gave me at Christmas. If I had only opened it I would have saved him!" Harry got up walking through the room kicking things out of the way. Demolishing thing that were in his way. "You all didn't have you of your dreams ripped away from you. Right before your eyes! In a matter of seconds. You all have a home. Where people love you. I never got that. Sirius was the first that could have actually taken me away. To somewhere that people loved me. He was the first person ever that told me they loved me. The Dursley's never had." Remus looked shocked. He knew the Dursley's didn't like Harry but all kids had to have been told that they were loved. "Sirius was the first person that actually meant it in a fatherly way. The only one who has ever meant it.  
  
"All of it. All of those wonderful things I could have had were ripped away by myself. I did it to myself. All for it. If I didn't listen to Kreacher Sirius would still be here." Remus held up his hand for Harry to stop talking.  
  
"Wait what do you mean... If you didn't listen to Kreacher?" Remus asked running his hands threw his hair again.  
  
Sighing Harry continued. "In my O.W.L.'s I had this dream I was Voldemort and I was torturing Sirius. They took me to the hospital wing I got out and I went with Ron to Umbrige's office. I fire called Sirius Kreacher answered. He said that you were all gone and that Sirius was never coming back from the Department of Mysteries.  
  
Remus looked aghast. "Kreacher did this?" Harry nodded his head. "Oh god Harry." Finally Remus understood what Harry was talking about and why he was blaming it all on himself. "You can't blame his death on yourself." Harry slammed his fist into the wall.  
  
Trying to pull it out Harry yelled, "It is my fault! You don't understand Sirius gave me the mirror for Christmas. Well I didn't open it until it was too late. So if only I had opened it he would still be here". Finally Harry gave a tug and his hand come out covered in scrapes and blood. "No one understands. No one can understand."  
  
"Harry.." Remus stopped. He really didn't know what to tell Harry. Walking over to the shaking boy he hugged him with all his might. Harry tensing for a moment returned the hug crying into Remus neck. "I'm so sorry. Remus pulled Harry over to his bed and laid him down. Prying Harry's hands open from around his neck, he let Harry sleep. Watching him for a few minutes Remus left the room. Harry didn't make a sound all that night, he didn't even move 'till noon the next day when some one knocked on his door. "Go away!" Harry yelled rolling over under his covers.  
  
"Sorry no can do Harry." Ron said as he pushed open the door. Shutting up with his foot He walked over to Harry's bed. Putting down the trey of food he was caring. He righted the side table and placed the food on it.  
  
"Go away." Harry said again pulling the pillow over his head. Ron laughed. "Mate you've been sleeping since nine last night. It's noon now." Harry groaned, and finally got up. He walked to the bathroom again kicking things out of his way.  
  
"Remind me to put this under the door for now on." Harry asked as he walked back into the room brushing his teeth. He jammed a chair under the doorknob. Ron nodded his head marveling the simplicity of it. Harry walked back into the bathroom spit and rinsed his mouth and face and joined Ron sitting on his bed.  
  
"So...for lunch we have." Ron took the cover off the plate. "Tuna Sandwiches." Harry made a sound. Ron put the lid back over the top of it.  
  
"That doesn't look very good..." Harry said looking at it again. "Who made it?"  
  
Ron looked at the door quickly and lowering his voice he whispered "Mundungus I think." Ron shivered slightly.  
  
"Um... I'll pass..." Harry sat back against his headboards. They sat there for a couple of minutes no saying anything. Harry broke the silence. "Place is a bit of a mess." Harry laughed.  
  
"Yah but you've seen my room back at the burrow..." Ron commented smiling. "I have a couple of questions to ask you." Ron said nervously looking at the floor.  
  
"Well go on then ask them." Harry replied getting up and starting to clean up his room a little bit. 'I'll have to ask Sirius so help me later....' Harry paused in mid thought shaking his head. 'Sirius is gone. You'll ask some one else or you'll do it yourself.'  
  
"Not to bring the up or anything... but what are you going to do about Kreacher?" Ron asked joining Harry in cleaning up the room. Harry shook his head folding a black shirt.  
  
"I don't know. I might... no I really don't know yet. I want kill him. Or do something to that extent and then before he's dead take down all of the heads in the halls. Then kill him... Something in that order.  
  
Ron shivered. "Just one thing. When you do... I want to help." Harry nodded his head. "Okay well that was only the first thing.." Harry make a groaning sound followed by laughter. "Okay well I saw that bike down stairs... I just sat there admiring it. Do you know who's it is?"  
  
Sitting on the floor laughing Harry looked up at Ron who looked confused. "It's mine. Sirius gave it to me." Ron looked dumbstruck. He shook his head. "Yes it is really mine. Do you want to go for a ride?" Harry asked standing up again. Ron nodded his head enthusiastically. As Harry went over to the bed and pulled out a key chain, Ron asked another question. "I sort of over herd you and Remus last night. I don't hate you mate. I don't envy you either. You made a mistake that cost someone's life. It might have been a big mistake but everyone makes them. And sorry to say... but your stuck with me!" Ron said Harry looked at him for a moment then held up eight keys that he pulled out from under the mattress, with an old piece of parchment. Looking at it Harry whispered three words and it became alive. The same way the Marauders map did. Except this one was called. Padfoot's map.  
  
Pulling the chair away Harry opened the door. Instead of taking the right to go down stairs he took a left. And went further upstairs. "Where are we going?" Ron asked as they stopped in front of the attic door. No one could open the door... except Harry who had the key to it.  
  
Harry had found a note that had a map of the whole house. This door had two names: Padfoot's Lair, and the Attic. Unlocking the door Harry let Ron in first, the followed locking the door again.  
  
"This was Sirius' room. His parents didn't want him anywhere near the rest of the family so he was either sent up here or down in the basement. Neither any one can open except me cause I have the keys to both." Ron looked around in wonder. The room was covered in quidditch posters, and pictures of the Marauders and a picture of every girl that Sirius had ever dated. Sirius' trunk was at the end of his bed. Harry walked over to the closet and pulled the door open. All of Sirius' old school robes were in there, along with some of the nicer things he had ever worn. Pulling out another biker jacket he tossed it to Ron. On the back of it, it read 'Prongs.'  
  
"You can ware my dad's old one." Harry also threw Ron a helmet, with a picture of a Stag on it. Well let's go. Harry said sliding a large picture of the Marauders out of the way. Shoving open the door it was blocking reveled a slide.  
  
"Are we going down that?" Ron asked worriedly as he looked down what he could see.  
  
"Yes. Unless you don't want to go on the ride." Ron sat at the edge and flew down the slide. Slamming the door shut Harry followed suit.  
  
Ending at the bottom Harry stood up and looked at Ron who was looking like he was going to try going up the slide to do it again. "Don't even think about it." Ron shrugged and stared around the room. It was, well the only way you can describe it is by calling it 'The Marauders Heaven.' Or at least that's what the map called it.  
  
"This place is awesome!" Ron exclaimed turning around in a circle staring at the every little thing that was in the room. Anything and every thing the Marauders had done together was in this room. Looking at a set of dresser drawers Ron picked 10 gold rings. "What are these for?" Harry walked over to where Ron was standing.  
  
"These three." Harry picked up there of them. Selecting two of them, "These were my parents wedding rings." Picking up the third, Harry explained "This was his Marauders ring. Each of them had one. The last to were for Sirius fiancée. He never got a chance to ask her before he was sent to Azkaban." Ron shivered.  
  
"What was her name? Do you know?" Harry nodded his head.  
  
"Ileana Riddle. She was Voldemort's twin sister. Voldemort didn't know she existed until Wormtail told him. He tried to kill her before he went after me and my family. But she got away. No one knows what happened to her." Harry explained, noticing Ron's look, "She wasn't evil, like her brother. She was the good side if that makes any sense. In Sirius' diary he explained her as a 'Pure Angel.' Here this is what she looked like." Harry pulled open the first drawer and pulled out an old photography, of a woman with ebony hair slightly curly hugging the younger version of Sirius.  
  
"Wow. She was hot!" Ron laughed. Harry put the picture back into the drawer.  
  
"Yah she was pretty. I sort of remember her... though not really. Come one lets go." Ron put down the rings and followed Harry out another door. This one didn't lead to another room or a slide. It simply led to the out side. Exactly where Harry had left his bike.  
  
"Okay then..." Harry quickly gave Ron the low down on the bike. Getting on Ron sat behind Harry who put on the glass' and the jacket. Ron followed suit. "You might want to hold on." Harry advised and he started the bike. As soon and he felt Ron holding onto the side rails that he had put up, he pulled on the handle bars shooting them into the air.  
  
"Where are we going?" Ron asked excitedly. I really didn't care. He just wanted to stay on the bike.  
  
"Diagon Alley. Sadly we have to do some shopping for people at HQ, then we should go see how the twins are doing. I have to ask them some stuff." Harry replied. Ron was amazed even though the bike was making a lot of noise he could hear Harry just fine threw the helmet.  
  
Staring around bellow them mostly Ron asked, "How do you know all this stuff? About the bike, about the rooms? I don't get it." He could hear Harry laughing in front of him.  
  
"Well as far as the rooms are concerned I was looking around my room and I found this letter to me. I don't think Padfoot wanted me to get it unless something happened. I guess he knew if something bad happened I'd tare apart my room. And I did so if found it, it had a bunch of keys in it and a map and a couple of other things. Mostly the keys and where they went. Like in Sirius's room I found his diary so I've been reading things out of that. And in his trunk I've found a ton of letters to my mum and dad, and to Remus and Wormtail." Harry explained as the bike took a sharp turn. "And this bike. It's hard to explain really. I was sitting on it yesterday and I just rested my head and the handlebars and I just sort of flashed to my past.  
  
"It was kind of odd. It was of Sirius and me when I was a baby. We were flying threw the air. And I tried to reach up to him and I flashed out. I kinda wished that I didn't try to move because everything at that moment, everything that I was feeling just sort of vanished. It was really weird and kind of perfect." Harry finished.  
  
"Wow." Ron sighed. Looking down again Ron noticed that they were getting lower. "We're here already? This has got to be a joke." Ron yelled and hopped off the bike. Harry got off and pressed a button and the bike shrunk into his hand. A chain appeared looped into one of the tiers and Harry out it on. Ron watched amazed as his and Harry's helmets shrunk with it and then flashed out and then onto the necklace. "Wicked." Was all that Ron could come up with.  
  
"I didn't know that would happen." Harry laughed as he opened the door to the Leaky Caldron. Tom greeted them at the bar.  
  
"Hello there. Can I get you something?" He asked glancing them up and down. Harry shook his head and promptly left the bar. Ron tapped on the bricks and they entered the Diagon Alley. "Hey Ron... don't call me Harry okay. I don't want any one to know I'm here. They always get so..."Harry shrugged. "Just odd if I'm around."  
  
"Sure mate... what do I can you?" Ron asked as they entered Girngotts.  
  
"I don't know... um..."Harry thought for a moment. "Just call me James." Ron looked at Harry for a moment until they got to an open goblin. "I'd like to make a withdrawl." The goblin nodded his head. Ron and Harry followed him down to the carts and got in. "We need to make three stops. First would b vault..."Harry looked at Sirius' vault key. "Vault 198." The goblin let go of the break, they went soaring down... until they reached vault 198  
  
"Vault 198." The goblin said as Harry got out of the cart. The goblin opened the vault and Harry could hear Ron choaking behind him. The walls were completely full of gold.  
  
Stammering Harry asked, "Excuse me please. How much money is in this vault?" The goblin stepted inside and read off an number.  
  
"9million gallenons, 760 sickles, and 990 sickles." Harry nodded and got back to the cart giving the next's vaults number. It would be hi's parents' vaults... well same key for a vault that separated 3 little vaults inside. "Vault 760" Harry and Ron again got out of the cart.  
  
"How much did Lily and James Potter have saved up? On there own?" The goblin read the number again.  
  
"60million galleons, 760 sickles, and 990 sickles." Harry this time choked a little.  
  
"How much does the Potter family excluding Harry Potters, and Lily and James Potters, accounts?" Ron asked. He knew that's what Harry was going to ask once he got over the shock of how much money he had.  
  
"Five thousand eight million galleons, 760 sickles, and 990 sickles." The goblin replied.  
  
"How much with out Harry Potter, James and Lily Potters, and the Potter's family does Lily Evans have?" Harry asked staring wide eyed at all the gold that was in there.  
  
"85million galleons, 760 sickles, and 990 sickles."  
  
"Thank you." Harry got into the cart with Ron. The goblin shut the door. "No can you please take us to Harry Potters Vault?" Harry showed the goblin his key for the third time.  
  
At his vault, Harry was handed two sacks. He filled both with just galleons. "Thank you. Can you please take us up top." Ron requested only just a bit shakily. The goblin nodded his head.  
  
"DEAR GOD JAMES!!" Ron yelled as they left Gringotts both holding on to one another, to keep from falling down the steps. "That more than a hundred million galleons!" Ron cried. "I had no..."Harry pause and held his stomach. "I think im going to be sick." Harry wretched into a dumpster, making a few people look his way.  
  
"You okay mate?" Ron asked worriedly the way his mum had when he was sick.  
  
Harry nodded his head. "yah... It's just that at the Dursley's said I wasn't worth anything... all that money... dear god... that was scary..."Harry said as they walked into the story right next door not carrying what was in there. At this moment Harry couldn't find anything that would make him come down from his own little high chair. He, if he wanted to could buy the whole broom making industry if he wanted to.   
  
4 brooms, 2 new all kitchen re-models, 20 new books, 4 new wardrobes, 20 pairs of sunglass' (the kind that he had) and 2 snow cones later. Harry and Ron made there way threw Diagon alley buying what ever they wanted. Finally coming to a stop in front of The Wizard Weasley Wizes shop. Luckily seeing how much stuff they had bought all of the cashiers had shrunk everything so they could carry it in their pockets.  
  
"Oi! Fred! George!" Ron yelled threw the shop. Making their way to the back of the shop and up stairs they found the Managers office. Harry knocked on the door and barged in. The twins looked up from the paper work they were doing.  
  
"Hey Ronikens, Harry?" George jumped up from his chair. "What can we do for you guys?" George asked sitting on his desk opposite a rather nice couch. "Have a seat."  
  
Fred sat next to George on the desk. "Nothing we just wanted to stop by and say Hi." Harry laughed. Ron plopped down on the red couch.  
  
"So... Harry how have you been?" Fred asked apparently trying to make polite conversation.  
  
Harry shifted nervously. "Fine." He answered simply  
  
George shook his head. He apparently didn't like that answer. "Try again... something a bit more explanatory..." Crossing his arms in front of his chest Harry averted his gaze to the floor.  
  
"I. Am. Fine." Harry said slowly enunciating each word slowly. Fred scoffed.  
  
"Ron, our new clerk... Anna is her name... she needs some help out back... in the store room can you go help her. We have to discuss something with Harry. He'll come out shortly to help you and Anna." George said opening the door for Ron. Harry nodded his head and smiled as George locked and sound proofed the room.  
  
"Okay we have two things we have to discuss with you. The first...mum said you aren't eating... she thought that maybe if we talked to you and told her what the problem was than she or us could help." Fred explained. Shaking his head Harry cracked his knuckles nervously.  
  
"I really rather not..."Harry said looking at the door back to the twins he sighed. "But. Since I'm stuck in here I can't use my wand I guess I'll have to." The twins nodded their red heads simultaneously.  
  
None of them said anything for a few minutes. Finally what seemed like forever Fred broke the silence. "Look Harry we know this is harder for you than it is for us but mum will kill us if we don't tell her what's up..."Looking at George smiled. "I like living. We have a good business." Harry fiddled with his hands.  
  
Slouching back into the couch Harry looked at the twins. "I already told Remus what's up." The twins didn't look convinced. "Fine, fine if it will get every one of my bloody back then I'll talk." Harry looked at the door again than at the windows. 'No way of escape.' Harry thought to himself.  
  
"I haven't been eating because..." Harry looked at his hands they had just became very interesting. "Because I blame his death on me. I can't bare the fact that I'm living when I deserved what he got. He didn't kill anyone. I did. I almost got your little sister and brother killed. Oh wait lets not forget about My mum and Dad, and Cedric. I was hopping that if I got sick enough that Sirius would have to come back and save me." Pausing Harry took a shaky breath. "He never came. Day after day no one ever came. Then finally Remus and Tonks and every one came. Not Sirius."  
  
Fred glanced nervously at George before he asked his question. "Bit that still doesn't really explain why you aren't eathing. I mean it does if you were at your Aunt and Uncles house but why not now?"  
  
Laughing Harry shook his head. "Why don't any of you understand?!" he yelled the Twins shifted nervously. "I really haven't eaten anything since I got to HQ Starving yourself for almost a month and a half, with people you live with not giving a damn that their own nephew was killing himself before their eyes." Tears feel out of Harry's eyes. He couldn't hold it in anymore. He couldn't. Everytime he talked to anyone all of the secrets he'd been forced to keep about himself. It got harder and harder for him to hold it in, he couldn't anymore. He had almost burst last night when he was talking to Remus... but he didn't have the energy. He had it now.  
  
"They've been routing on anyone to kill me. Anything to get the 'freak' away form them, to get rid of the abnormality out of their house. So none of the neighbors could know about me. Yes Dumbledor was tight. To keep me locked away from the Wizarding world. This is what I've deserved my whole life." At the end of every sentence Harry would rub at his eyes, furiously.  
  
"Now Harry calm down." Fred began, worried how hard Harry was rubbing and how red his face was getting.  
  
Leaping to his feet Harry kicked a box out of the way not caring what was in it. "No! Don't 'Calm down Harry' me. I'm the savior of the goddamn Wizarding world! I can do what I want! Every one is depending on me. Don't I get a say about what goes on in my life?!" Harry asked.  
  
"Not once has anyone in my entire life ever asked how I thought or felt! No one. If I was to die right here right now no one would miss me the orphan boy with no family. They would only moss Potter. The savior of the fucking Wizarding world." Holding up his hand Harry smiled sniffling. "Yes there would be one person who gave a damn about me. My first grade teacher, Mrs. Thomson, she wanted to get me away from the Dursley's. Just once did she see bruises covering my back. She actually cared that I was getting hit all the time. She tried. I remember how she had cried and told me how sorry she was that the Dursley's had paid her half a million pounds, so she wouldn't tell any one anything. They also got her fired and as far away from me as they could. They broke my left arm twice in return the money I cost them. Once it healed they would break it again. I had to tell everyone that I kept falling out of trees. I had to always keep a secret about how I was feeling. Always!  
  
"It's never stopped. I lived in a cupboard under the stairs. I was their slave. 'Cook breakfast boy!' 'Boy get up you have chores to do.' 'Boy weed the garden. I don't care that you got bitten by a centipede.'" Harry mimicked his Aunt and Uncle's voices. Fred cautiously leaned over to make sure that all of what Harry was saying was still being what was written down. He handed Harry some tissues.  
  
Harry now decided to go off on another rant. "I really do deserve this though. If it weren't for me Lily and James Potter would still be alive. If it weren't for me Sirius would still be alive, even if he was in Azkaban. Cedric would still be with his parents, he was only what sixteen?" Harry collapsed on the floor next to the door.  
  
"Everything is my fault!" Harry pounded his head against the wall. "Why couldn't I just go up to Voldemort right now and just kill him. Or even better yet have him kill me?"  
  
"Because you have people who love you! People who are holding you back!" Ron screamed entering through the fire. "God damn you. People care about you! Why can't you understand that you bloody bastard?!"  
  
"No... stop it! Just stop caring about me. Please just don't care. Just ignore me! Every one else has until I was eleven."  
  
"Harry people care about you. And love you. Just Harry part." Ron yelled thanking god that the room was sound poof.  
  
Harry got up and walked toward Ron. "No one cares about me. No one ever has!"  
  
"Yes they do!"  
  
"No they don't. No one does. I'm a freak," Harry started flicking off a finger at each name. "A disease, a disgrace, a murderer, a killer, an orphan, wonder boy, the boy who f..."Harry didn't have a chance to finish what he was saying. Ron had slugged him sending him sprawling onto the floor. Harry got up thought and hit Ron back.  
  
"Damn it Harry why can't you just stay down?!" Ron asked as he sucker punched him in the gut. Harry doubled over in pain. He got up and tried to swing at Ron, who ducked and tripped Harry sending him into rows of counters. The one he hit falling on top of him. He didn't get up or move.  
  
Turning starch white Ron turned to the Twins. "Go get Remus and Mum quick." George vanished with soft pop. Looking at Fred, Ron felt tears come out of his eyes. "I didn't mean to...Oh god... what have I done?" Ron asked hugging Fred, who tried to soothe his distraught younger brother. 


	4. A face from the past

BAN:Don't own don't sue... review please! I hope you like it so far!  
  
I Wonder Chapter 4 A face from the past  
  
Three and a half days passed and Harry didn't wake up. No one really knew why there was nothing wrong with him. He seemed perfectly normal. Remus Lupin peeked in to Harry's room just wanting to check on him. He had been having nightmares but he would never wake up.  
  
Sitting on a chair that was placed to the right of his bed Remus took Harry's hand in his own. "Come on kido. It's time to wake up; you've been asleep far too long." He said quietly. Harry didn't make a movement. Remus sat there with Harry for two hours until his wolf instincts told his some one was coming, some one that he hadn't heard from in nearly fifteen years old.  
  
Quietly he left the room glancing at Ron who was told he had to do all the cleaning he could manage until Harry woke up again. It was his punishment he didn't want to go back to the burrow by himself, even though the twins would have been forced to go with him. As it were they were by his side and were also taking down the heads from the wall. They didn't really like this but it sure beat being grounded and sent home.  
  
Remus went into the kitchen first and saw no one there and then opened the door and again no one was there. 'Maybe my senses are acting up.' He thought to himself as he retired to his room. Tomorrow was the full moon and he needed all the rest he could get. 'Harry would be fine for the night.' Walking past Ron and the twins he told then that, that was all for the night.  
  
Down in the Marauders hide out a beautiful, relatively young witch snuck through the door and crept up the slide into the Black's house. Dressed in long dark blue jeans and black tank top she looked around the room remembering all the good times that she had had when she was here.  
  
Slipping out of Sirius attic room she searched the rooms looking for Harry Potter. Opening the door at the end of the hall it was completely empty... just the way she had left it. Heading downstairs she heard laughs from the kitchen. 'Odd,' She thought to herself pulling back her black hair and went on with her search. 'I thought the Blacks still lived here... With Sirius.' Opening the next door she found a man with graying hair, wearing shabby pajamas sleeping peacefully. The sight almost brought tears to her eyes. It was Remus Lupin one of her oldest friends. She couldn't let him know that she was here... it would not be good.  
  
Going down the next flight of stairs she found what she was looking for. Her godson's room. Stepping in and closing the door she padded quietly across the room to look into his face, it had been so long since she had seen this wonderful boy sleeping in front of her. Sitting down where Remus had been sitting she brushed the fringe out of the boys face.  
  
"You look just like James. He had the same peaceful face when he slept." The girl sighed and looked around the room. It wasn't the cleanest room but it was still clean. "Honey. It's time to wake up." She said putting her hand over Harry's chest.  
  
Harry opened his eyes slowly. What had woken him up? Looking around he couldn't see very much his glasses weren't on. As if on cue some one slid his glasses on and he looked around. There was a beautiful looking woman sitting by his bedside. She looked oddly familiar but he couldn't place her.  
  
"Good morning sunshine. Did you sleep well?" She asked helping him sit up and handed him a cup of water. Harry just nodded his head staring at the lady in front of him.  
  
"Who are you?" Harry asked his voice sounding deep and scratchy.  
  
The women sitting next to his bed smiled. "You mean Sirius has never talked about me?" Harry shook his head. "That is odd. Well I'm Ileana Riddle, your godmother."  
  
Harry blinked a couple of times. This was his godmother? She was absolutely beautiful! "My... my godmother?!" Harry asked not believing it. Ileana nodded her head.  
  
"Yes your godmother. I know you probably haven't herd much about me..." She got interrupted as Harry flung his arms around her waist. "Well I wasn't expecting that."  
  
"I can't believe you're here! He wrote so much about you I never though I'd ever get to meet you!" Harry said quickly looking up at his godmother.  
  
Going pale Ileana held Harry an arm length away searching his eyes. "What do you mean wrote about me?" She asked. Harry looked away from her. "He's just in Azkaban you mean... He didn't have the kiss did he?" She asked Harry shook his head.  
  
"He..." Taking a deep breath he explained what had happened. "The end of last year he... he fell through the veil... he's gone..." Harry closed his eyes as tears spilled down his face.  
  
Sniffling Ileana shook her head. "He can't be... he... he can't be dead... I would have herd of it... Remus would have...." Ileana stopped talking. Remus wouldn't have contacted her. To him she was dead. A face from the past who had fled and didn't want to stay, when really she was forced to leave her home and family behind.  
  
"Ileana?" Harry asked quietly looking into his godmother's eyes. "It's okay he's watching over us. He told me he's never very far, he knows you're here with me." Harry said placing his hand on her shaking shoulder.  
  
Planting a kiss on Harry's cheek Ileana fled the room, Harry not wanting to loose the godmother that he just met tried to follow her out of the room but didn't get far, falling flat on his face a step away from his bed. Getting up again Harry staggered out his room and up the stairs as quickly as he could. Looking up he missed the next step and crashed down the rest of the flight of stairs.  
  
Ileana heard the crash and looked back, she didn't see anything. Taking a step down she saw it, her precious Harry laying at the bottom of the stair well with his left arm-twisted under him. She had to help him, he was her god son she couldn't just leave him. Racing down the steps when she herd some one else's steps running towards them. They would find Harry and help him. Turing around she took the steps two at a time.  
  
"Who are you?" A voice asked from the bottom of the stairs. Looking down she saw Remus, he looked the same, smiling she shook her head and shut the door.  
  
Leaning against the door Ileana closed her eyes. She had just hurt her godson, the one person that she cared about more than anything was hurt because of her. It was always her fault, she never did anything right. She should have stayed and faced her friend, not run like the coward she was. "Damn it!" She yelled at the room. "Sirius damn you for not being here! Damn you for being my friend! I hate you... do you hear me Sirius Black? Read my lips. I. Hate. You!" Ileana yelled at the top of her voice.  
  
Throwing herself onto the floor she pounded on it, tears falling onto the carpet. "Why? Why did I have to fall for you? Why did you have to notice me? There was no reason for it! You did it on purpose you just had to meet the loner. I was in your class for four years only when you got bored did you have to notice me! You just had to get me to like you. I hate you!" Ileana laughed in spite of herself. She was screaming at no one.  
  
"I didn't mean for any of this to happen." Ileana spun around, Harry was standing at the doorway. His black hair wet with sweat. Shutting the door he slid down. "I know that he loved you, and that you loved him." He said quietly.  
  
"I should leave..." Ileana stammered walking over to the portrait leading to the slide.  
  
"NO! You can't leave please... Don't do this to me. You've been gone and then you show up and you just leave, a key to my past and your gonna rip that away?" Harry pleaded. He couldn't understand it, she had come into his life and just like that she wanted to leave? Did he have a curse that prevented him from being loved?  
  
Ileana took at step towards her godson. "I'm sorry I just came to make sure that you were alright. I didn't mean for you to see me, I didn't know that you would know about me." Ileana concluded turning around and opening the painting and sliding down leaving Harry at a shock for words.  
  
Harry gradually got better, Ron still hadn't come by to check up on him. Maybe he had hurt him in the fight also. He couldn't remember what happened that day all that clearly. All he could remember the twins and Ron hitting him.  
  
"Hello Harry. Breakfast?" Remus asked cheerily as he walked into the attic that was now Harry room. "You have to eat something." Remus sat at the end of Harry's four-poster bed. "So how'd you sleep." Harry didn't respond. Ever since he had met his godmother he had not said two words. "Harry talk to me! I can't stand this." At no response Remus plowed on. "I know something is bothering you. Why can't you tell me?!"  
  
Harry looked up into Remus' chocolate eyes. "She was here."  
  
Remus thought for a moment thinking of his next question carefully. "Who was here?" Harry didn't say anything. "Please Harry don't leave me hanging here."  
  
"Ileana." Remus dropped the cup he was going to pass to Harry.  
  
"Ileana? She's.... She's dead." The old werewolf stammered. "You can't be serious."  
  
Harry looked down at his hands. "She was here. She woke me up. She said that it was time to wake up and I did. Then she left. She said that she was sorry..." Taking a deep breath Harry laughed. "Do I have something wrong with me? That makes the people who love me the most get warded off or something?"  
  
Sighing Remus took Harry's hands in his own. "No Harry. There is nothing wrong with you. It just happens. It has nothing to do with you. Now why don't you eat and then you can get some sleep." He handed Harry a PB and J sandwich and got up.  
  
"Wait Remus...Thank you for staying." Harry said as Remus leaned down unexpectedly hugging him.  
  
Harry wasn't expecting the show of affection on his guardians part. He was a bit shocked. He wasn't all that used to being loved. He returned the hug, and sat back down on the bed. He looked at the food but he didn't feel like eating. He needed to talk to some one and there were only two people in the world that he could talk to. One was dead the other apparently wanted nothing to do with him.  
  
Harry stared at the large picture of the marauders for a long time. They all stared back at him. It was a regular muggle tapesty. He loved it dearly, it showed each of the Marauders in there best light. Sirius had a cocky smile on and was ust beaming at the camera. His father, James looked like he could kiss his mother who was standing next to Reums, who looked as joly as ever. Peter wasn't in the picture. Harry couldn't stand to have him in it so he had asked of Remus would take it off. Harry left him alone while he did it, it was a very private moment for Remus lots of tears were shed.  
  
Harry tossed the PB&J sandwich out of the window he wasn't very hungry. He was doing it again and he knew it, he was starving himself. He couldn't really help it, he knew that this time if he made himself sick enough Ileana would have to come see him, there was no choice in the matter. She would not let him hurt himself. It was only a matter of time before she came back, and would she have a shock when she finds Harry in Sirius' old bedroom.  
  
BAN:Hey there every one I'm so so so sorry it took so long... I don't know I got sidetracked with one of my other accounts, you should all go read, The Beginning, and What if it wasn't By: marauders4ever.... Its me again sept under another name! Please please please review and make me happy I need it so much right now! Oh and tell me what you want to happen next... I have some ideas but ya um... review! 


	5. INPORTANT AN

AN: Hey people I won't be updating in a while cause my mom blew a fricken fuse at me grade and is most likely going to take away me computer for the rest of my summer skool.... Sorry to every one who reads this... I might be able to post but I doubt it! Um... yah if you e-mail me about ne questions cho can call me and tell me and all of that so yah thanx for reading and sorry about this damn inconvenience... blame my mom.... Thanx 


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